In the real world, making and keeping friends requires a level of effort that is well worth the energy expended.
Friendships between women are complex and layered, and special in that they provide both practical and emotional support. However, as life gets complicated with work, spouses and significant others, children, extended family, activities, and housework, it’s easy to take friendships for granted. But there are many reasons not to neglect girlfriends.
Emotional Toll of Isolation
In his book about American communities, Bowling Alone (Simon & Schuster, 2001), Robert D. Putman stated that “visits with friends are now on the social capital endangered species list.” The thesis crux is that as Americans become more disconnected from each other their health, happiness, and that of the greater community, erodes. In fact, studies have confirmed that social environments impact people’s health. Most recently, a 2007 published in Genome Biology linked loneliness to inability to fight illness at the gene level.
If loneliness is a self-perpetuating cycle, then friends are the antidote. Sometimes just getting a “how are you” phone call on a bad day from a friend is enough to turn the entire mood of the day around.
Life Transitions
No one understands like another woman in a similar situation, whether she is a new mother, a woman going through a divorce, or single gal. Simultaneously, old friends can see through women’s facades and remind them who they used to be. When having a bad day, or even a great day, talking to a friend may be the best thing a woman can do to mitigate or prolong that feeling. But it takes work.
Friendships between women are complex and multi-nuanced, and without effort the many demands of the daily grind can erode friendships. Women can drift apart because of life transitions, whether because of job relocations, relationship changes (i.e. new boyfriend, marriage, or widowhood), children, or career changes. As Liz Pryor examined in What Did I Do Wrong?: When Women Don’t Tell Each Other the Friendship is Over (Free Press, 2006), friendships end for reasons including neglect., and the closer the friendship, the more likely its end will come with avoidance.
Staying Friends
Fortunately friends are a renewable resource as Marla Paul details in her book The Friendship Crisis: Finding, Making, and Keeping Friends When You’re Not a Kid Anymore (Rodale Books, 2004). Whether invigorating old friendships or starting new ones, a dearth of close friends to count on does not have to be a permanent state.
While it may seem difficult to fit friends in, what actions women take with friends is a bellwether for how strong the friendship can be in the future. Make the invitation to coffee, offer to walk the dog with her, or initiate a conversation on the playground with the woman standing alone.
No Excuses Strategies
A community of women to count on does not just happen on its own. Just like any other relationship, a friendship requires contact and making an effort, but fortunately that effort more than pays off. Maintaining a friendship can be as simple as a weekly phone call, daily email, or occasional card: basically keeping in touch and involved in her life.
When women are busy, it’s easy to put off a girls night, so instead insert friends into regular activities. Do the laundry or grocery shopping together, hit the gym or hiking trail, push the kids on side-by-side swings. Essentially, stop making excuses for why there is no time to get together and re-invigorate a friendship.
A good friend is worth holding onto, but she will need a little attention to keep the relationship strong.
